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Now this is funny!!! Options
NMBROOK
#1 Posted : 18 September 2013 18:45:39

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I found this trolling the net and just had to post it here

Politically Correct Nelson At Trafalger

Nelson:"Order the signal,Hardy."

Hardy:"Aye,aye sir."

Nelson:"Hold on,that's not what I dictated to Flags.What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy:"Sorry sir?"

Nelson(reading aloud):"England expects every person to do his or her duty,regardless of race,gender,sexual orientation,religious persuasion or disability.'-What gobledegook is this?"

Hardy:"Admiralty policy,I'm afraid,sir.We're an equal opportunities employer now.We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,lest it be considered racist."

Nelson:"Gadzooks,Hardy.Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy:"Sorry sir.All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson:"In that case,break open the rum ration.Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy:"The rum ration has been abolished,Admiral.It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson:"Good heavens,Hardy.I suppose we'd better get on with it.........full speed ahead."

Hardy:"I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson:"Damn it man!We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.We must advance with all dispatch.Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy:"That won't be possible,sir."

Nelson:"What?"

Hardy:"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest,sir.No harness;and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson:"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,Hardy."

Hardy:"He's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson:"Wheelchair access?I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy:"Health and Safety again,sir.We have to provide a barrier-free enviroment for the differently abled."

Nelson:"Differently abled?I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy:"Actually,sir,you did.The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson:"Whatever next?Give me full sail.The salt spray beckons."

Hardy:"A couple of problems there too,sir.Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt-haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson:"I've never heard such infamy.Break out the cannon and tell the men to engage the enemy."

Hardy:"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,Admiral."

Nelson:"What?This is mutiny!"

Hardy:"It's not that,Sir.It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board,watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson:"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy:"Actually,sir,we're not."

Nelson:"We're not?"

Hardy:"No,sir.The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.According to the Common Fisheries Policy,we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson:"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy:"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir.You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson:"You must consider every man an enemy,who speaks ill of your king."

Hardy:"Not any more,sir.We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.Now put on your kevlar vest;it's the rules.It could save your life."

Nelson:"Don't tell me-health and safety.What ever happened to rum,sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy:"As I explained,sir,rum is off the menu!And there is a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson:"What about sodomy?"

Hardy:"I believe that is now legal,sir."

Nelson:"In that case................kiss me,Hardy."





Rgds Nigel
calv
#2 Posted : 18 September 2013 19:13:11

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That is a quality find thanks for putting it on here for us to have a good laugh, sadly though that is the way we are heading.
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jonny7england
#3 Posted : 18 September 2013 19:23:29

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Ha ha ha..What a cracker!! Thanks for sharing it with us...LOL ThumpUp
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